Saturday, January 24, 2015

Bone-Dry and Brittle:

Thoughts on Grief and Shame as a Mother

My forearms are resting on a cold marble table top. My laptop is opened up next to a small terra cotta pot with a charming chartreuse aloe plant spiking up, cheerily resting against the edge of the screen.
The smell of percolating coffee and the dull chatter envelopes me.

I am in the zone. I am out in the world, people.

I am also, alone.

I never thought I'd be so glad to say that. As a Mom of three young children under the age of five, I often go days (and sometimes nights) of constantly being around a small person. I am finding the time to just sit here and observe my surroundings, collect my thoughts, sip a frothy cappuccino and think to be heavenly.

This is a battle that I am always fighting. A battle to stand my ground. 

To scoop out a little piece of time like thick red clay, plop it on the table in front of me and sculpt for awhile. I'm rolling out the pieces. I pinch them off into little snakes and stick them on in different places, trying it out, studying its form and then smashing it again to start over. 

It doesn't really matter what I come up with.

  It matters that I have it in my hands. 

I've seen it too many times. A new Mom is overwhelmed by it all. She never imagined how she would have to give of her self every hour of everyday. She is swimming in it, overwhelmed and even, dare I say it, regretful? 

It's a horrible thing to say, but don't we feel it? Maybe its not so much regret, but more so grief

We are grieving the life we lost. The time we spent with our husbands. The time we spent on ourselves, filling up the bath tub and using the nice bath salts and (gasp) shaving our legs.

Welling up then, comes shame that we feel this grief.

So we smile and we wave and we bury it deep with every light-hearted comment of the wonders and delights of motherhood to the people doting over our beautiful babies. 

The truth is: we are not the best Mothers when we self-sacrifice to the point where we are bone-dry and brittle. 

So give up a little

Find some time to just sit and sculpt with your very own lump of clay. Even if you have to fight and muscle your way to scoop it out. Be a free Mommy that loves with fiery energy from within. 

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