Friday, March 8, 2013

Reflections on my pregnancy journey

I am now 34 weeks along.
But here are some photos from 27 weeks...
The time is going so quickly now, that I need to stop and reflect on this journey. 


Almost a year ago now (last May) I had a miscarriage. I was about 8 weeks along, so it was early on, but make no mistake that it was a little life we lost. Even as I write this, my eyes are welling up with tears. I could never have anticipated the emotions that came along with that loss. In fact, before that, whenever I heard about others who had lost babies I felt for them, but I really didn't understand the nature of the kind of grief that went along with it.


I know that for some reason, this can be a taboo subject, but I choose to speak openly about it. In a way, it honors the little life that was so briefly with us. It also helps the healing process and perhaps others who have experienced this to feel validated. 

Looking back on it, I was completely overwhelmed with emotion that came up from depths I had not known within me. I was also taken aback by the same emotional reaction that my husband also shared so deeply with me. It was as if for a few months there, nothing seemed happy or good. A sort of sudden depression I suppose. I have never felt so close to Dan with this intimately shared suffering. Then soon after came a lot of the questions...Why did it happen? Who was the little person? Was it a boy? A girl? What would life have been like with them here? Do you suppose we will meet them again someday in heaven, in another life? Did God choose to take this one or did it just happen? The questions nagged.

After I had made peace about it, which took at least 6 months or more, I began to feel my heart lighten again and the sting of emotion not as strong. But still, always in my heart there is a little piece that belongs to my third child. The child I will someday come to love in more specific ways of understanding. 

I think about the verse that says, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

Life is such a mystery. Especially on this side of eternity. I am grateful to have a loving Father that is taking great care of what I can no longer hold. We are blessed in this life with two beautiful boys that make our lives rich and full of joy and a kind of love that I had never known existed before. 

What's more, is that there is yet another little life growing inside me now. 

Dan and I have scarred but healed hearts made whole again only through the mercy and love of our heavenly Father.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Everything is beautiful in its time.

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