Friday, September 3, 2010

Cappuccinos make me happy.

I am staring down at sticky toffee and cream colored froth stuck to the edges of my wide rimmed cappuccino mug here at Cafe Tosi. I've never seen so many people here. I am drowning in humming, buzzing conversation and clinking of real coffee cups and spoons. There are piles of chocolate croissants and curry chicken salad panini on every plate. The humming is interrupted every now and again by a large man sitting in the booth corner who seems elated that he is alive today. I love it here. Is it odd that I leave home to find some peace of mind and alone time in this buzzing mecca of happy people? I think not. I think so often I want to be surrounded by them. I want to study them and find my societal place among them. And so here I am.

I have had a rough couple of days this week, to be frank. I was sick and miserable with a head cold the last day or two. I haven't left the house since before I was sick, come to think of it. I think I am driving Dan mad. I have little to no tolerance for messy spaces that I cannot clean because I don't have any energy. And speaking of energy levels, little buddy has truly been wearing me out. To the point of me sitting down and crying over little battles that I cannot win with him. Battles like letting him continually play with our computer mouse, knocking the keyboard off of the desk in the process. Or being right there every time he decides to climb the chair again. His new favorite words are "sit down" he repeats them over and over, as if he's heard them somewhere....

Ahhh, back to the clinking chaos of my perfect little cafe. It is so good to get away. I have not been the best mom in my opinion, this last week. I am searching for God in this. I am trying to hear his still, small voice. Give me patience Lord. Give me strength to get through this place I'm stuck in right now.

"Finishing is better than starting. Patience is better than pride." Ecc 7:8

This verse intrigues me. It really should be my motto the more I think about it. I need to finish something. I think that is a big part of my frustrations. Everywhere I look in my house there are unfinished projects, unfinished laundry, unfinished dishes, unfinished bills and other business to take care of. And, most of the time, by Calvin's nap time, I am too tired to tackle a project and actually finish it.

As I'm writing this, I can just hear all of the moms in my head. "That's just a part of being a mom." you say. I'm sure it is. But right now in this wilderness, it is hard to see the sunlight. I am dissapointed in myself. I have reached a new low.

Lord of my life, I pray that you would give me the patience in every moment and every little unnecessary battle. Help me to find you and find strength to get through it. And not only to merely survive it, but to conquer it as a vibrant, life-giving mother who doesn't take crap. Help me to become that god-fearing woman and mother that I have often caught glimpses of, the one that you are teaching me to become. Thank you for this day and this place and for the way you continue to mold my heart in your hands. Help me to love my son and my husband, even when I don't feel like it. And continue to craft my skill as a mother.



anita said...

Oh Katie, I have experienced all of those emotions for many year and times 3! I have found that it is all in God's plan to make me more like Him. I know you've heard this but you really are doing the most difficult job. I heard this quote somewhere; "i used to think my life was full of interruptions until I realized my interruptions ARE my life." :) Calvin is your big interruption at this point in your life and he needs you.
Relax and enjoy the ride because when he walks up to the Kindergarten classroom in four short years, he will not want you to hold his hand and will hardly say goodbye (ditto when he gets his driver's license, pilot's license, leaves for college and gets married.) It's all as it should be so color with him and run around a playground while the weather is nice. Love you, Aunt Nita

Katie D. said...

Aw, thanks Aunt Anita! It's nice to hear some encouraging words. And to see some perspective too. When I think of how fast this last year and a half has been, I can kind imagine that it will be way too soon for him to leave me and go to school. I am feeling better and better about my decision to stay home while he's young. I also figured out that he has some major molars poking through his gums at this moment, which I think is attributing to the craziness right now!I am trying to become more like God, but sheesh that's hard....I'm giving it a try though :)