Friday, December 4, 2009

Being a Mother, Direction in Life, Faith in God

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

There in nothing in my life up to this point that has ever compared to this newness. I feel honored to have been given such a perfect little life to care for and to raise all on our own. I am Calvin's mother. His one and only. The weight of that statement is sobering.

I've been thinking about what kind of mother I want to become lately. Only to come to the realization that I am who I am and that I cannot fit into a mold of a certain type of mother. How foolish of me to think of it that way. Yes, there are things that I can work on. Attributes that I can try to "put on". Ultimately, I am just the way I am. It's strange to feel this "mother" welling up inside of me and coming out in the way I speak, touch, listen, look and direct. It was never there before. Or maybe it was, it was just buried deep within lying dormant-a seed. I am learning the beauty that God intended for this family relationship. It is so much more than I ever understood.

One thing I have been noticing about myself as a mother is that I am more logical and less emotional. This is new for me. I am still emotional make no mistake about that, but I also have this new way of viewing the world. I want to give my children a sense of stability and a secure future, especially financially. Dan and I have a plan we've been thinking about for me to work 4-5 more years so that we can be debt free. This is so important to me. I have felt torn about it though because I always thought that I wanted to stay home with the kids, especially when they are young. But then my logical side keeps me at bay because I know what an impact it would make for our family to free up our income and get rid of this awful student debt that follows us around.

It's a tough call. I know that I don't have to make a decision today or anything, but just take a day at a time. Take life as it comes. That's hard for me though because I do like the control, like we all do. I need to trust God. I know that he has and will be faithful to us.

I keep clinging to the thought that Calvin will only be five and we could be debt free, able to sock away more money for his college and for our future. That is huge for me.

The pros are:

Summer break, Christmas break, and spring break- time I can spend with the kids.
Getting home fairly early at 4 pm.
Calvin gets to spend quality time with his grandma and nana who love him dearly, and his dad too.
I am not overwhelmed with "baby world" and get to have more adult interaction, so I am ready to spend time with him when I'm home and really enjoy each other.
No more Debt after 4 years!!!!!!!!! Plus my pay jumps up quite a bit at 7 years.
Great insurance. We owed nothing for Calvin's birth etc. (The church's insurance is not very good, which could mean more debt for us in the end)
I really enjoy my job, which is hard to find.
After 4 years I could quit and stay home with the other little ones.


Feeling like I might regret not being home with my children when they are young.
Missing some of those special moments.
Feeling like I'm not living up to this ideal of being a good mother.
Being tired after work.
Will have to pay a lot of money to our debt over time and really will keep us from having financial freedom.

These are all thoughts I have been wrestling with. I need to seek God in this more. I also feel like maybe I need to redefine in my own mind what makes a good mother. I am who I am and I need to acknowledge the feelings that I have when I feel that something might be better for my children in the long run. I don't know, like I said it's a tough call. Please pray for us in this decision.