Sunday, February 22, 2009

Beauty In All Forms

These pics were taken at 30 Weeks. I am now going into my 33rd week! Only 7 left to go!!!!!!

Life as a pregnant woman has been stressful lately. The kids that I work with at school have had horrible behavior (which means it's doubly bad compared to normal functioning children, these are kids that are diagnosed with having behavior problems to begin with). The teacher I work with is also pregnant and she is high risk so she has had to miss a lot of school for different reasons, which only makes the classroom that much more chaotic. I don't blame her for it at all, but for me, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to stay on top of it all. One of the kids in our class is extremely aggressive and has had to be restrained for long periods of time after trying to hit staff and throwing chairs and other things. Fortunately I work with wonderful people who are willing to jump in and handle those situations, but it is still stressful nonetheless. I haven't had to lift a finger in that way. At times I am afraid though, that something could happen and it's that lurking thought in the back of my mind that keeps me on edge. Not only that, but I am so emotionally invested in these kids and want them to grow and learn new ways to cope with their emotions that it is concerning that it has gotten worse lately. I guess they do say it gets worse before it gets better. They need to learn that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. I feel for them and their horrible home lives and emotional baggage associated with things like not having Dads, or having Mothers who are not consistent in loving them. It keeps me on my toes because it challenges me and pushes me to become a better teacher and friend to them. It truly compels me compassion. I want to become "Christ-like" to have a deep compassion for the hurting and the fatherless.

At the same time, I am tired and pushed to my limits almost everyday. I am worried that its not good for our baby. I had my first real breakdown the other day. It all started at home in the evening when I was looking for my nightgown and couldn't find it. I became so aggravated that I just collapsed in the bed and started crying. EVERYTHING came out. I haven't cried that hard in a long time....I just couldn't stop. It was first the fact that no laundry was done and I couldn't find anything to wear, then the dishes weren't done and we had no groceries. Then all of my work stress just came pouring out. I was crying so uncontrollably that I felt like I was hyperventilating! I'm sure hormones played a part in it all, but I was at my breaking point. I took the next day off of work as a "sick" day and Dan helped out a lot around the house while I slept and watched movies. It was nice. I think it really hit Dan when he saw me like that. Since then he has been much more helpful. He has always been concerned for me and where I work, but its something that I must do. I must do something where I feel that I have a greater purpose. Those kids are just like me when I was a child. I want to be able to help them sort through the gunk of their fragile little spirits and find truth and a path that they can follow to a healthier life.

It makes me want to be a good mother. To raise my children in a home where there is never a question of whether or not they are loved.

I had a shower for the baby today. My good friends here in St. Joe from our group "HOUSE" threw me one. It was so nice. It is such a cool thing to feel so loved. From the details of the decorations to the delicious food, to the fun games and thoughtful gifts. To know that people are willingly putting in so much effort and money and talents is so humbling. In some small way it makes me feel awkward, like I don't deserve it or something. But when I do embrace it I am so blessed. At the end of the party they all gathered around me and prayed some of the most genuine prayers. I was moved to tears. It is moments like these that reveal what a beautiful thing sisterhood in Christ can be. When we all set aside our girly tendencies of jealousy or our stand-offish attitudes, and just truly feel joy for one another. I experienced this today. I am so grateful that God has brought all of these beautiful, resilient and lovely women into my life.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Strange Dream...

This morning I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I was at some hospital with some friends, whom I don't know. I had the option to see my baby in the 4d video. Which we have already had done (see orange pictures below) but this time he would be much bigger and more developed. I was so excited and I went into the little room and somehow he ended up coming out of me and he was sitting there on the table. He turned his little head to look at me and it was the most real experience in a dream ever. I really felt that I was looking at my baby for the first time. His eyes were open and we had this major connection. It was as if I was looking into my own eyes and Dan's eyes at the same time. Like I knew that he was a part of me. I have never felt so in love in such a strange way. He was breathtakingly beautiful. I got to touch him and he had little chubby arms that were so soft! Then the doctor asked me if I wanted to keep him out or put him back in to grow a little more. I remember feeling so torn because now I had met him and couldn't bear to be without him again, but I knew a few more weeks in the womb would be good for him. The doctor said that he was developed enough to stay out and so I think I ended up choosing that.

It was such a strange dream, because it felt so real and almost supernatural. I have had a few dreams in my life where I truly felt that God was speaking to me or showing me something, and this one was right up there with the others. I'm not sure what it means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything other than God revealing to me the joy that lies ahead. I think that this baby is blessed and very special. Maybe he will do great things for God's kingdom....